Humor!!!

[The Ancient Brit]

6.10pm: Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Bennett's estranged cousin, Mr.Collins, writes to announce his imminent visit to Longbourne - the house he will inherit on Mr.Bennett's death. Mrs. Bennett rallies the residents to stop him setting up a minicab service. (Hampstead and Highgate Express)

There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who, if left a lone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. (Glasgow Evening News)

[The Ancient Brit]

Over thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. "That's just not fair!” you exclaim. Sorry, the game is played that way.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ...........................................................................................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows................................................................ 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................................................................................-1
You leave the toilet seat up................................................................................................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty................................................................................ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..................................................................-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.......................................................................-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings....................................................................+5
in the snow.......................................................................................................................................+8
but return with beer...........................................................................................................................-5
and no liners....................................................................................................................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night........................................................................................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............................................................................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........................................................................+5
You pummel it with a six iron...........................................................................................................+10
It's her cat........................................................................................................................................-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.................................................................................................... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy................................-2
Named Tiffany...................................................................................................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.............................................................................................................................-10
With breast implants..........................................................................................................................-18



HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday..................................................................................................................0
You buy a card and flowers..................................................................................................................0
You take her out to dinner................................................................................................................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..............................................................................+1
Okay, it is a sports bar........................................................................................................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...............................................................................................................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, & your face is painted the colours of your favourite team........-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.......................................................................................................................................0
The pal is happily married..................................................................................................................+1
The pal is single..................................................................................................................................-7
He drives a Ferrari...........................................................................................................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED).................................................................................-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie....................................................................................................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes......................................................................................................+4
You take her to a movie you hate......................................................................................................+6
You take her to a movie you like.......................................................................................................-2
It's called Death Cop 3.....................................................................................................................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans............................................................................................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans........................................................................-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly..................................................................................................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...........................................................+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts....................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."...............................................................................-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding...............................................................................................................-10
You reply, "Where?"........................................................................................................................-35
You reply, "no, I think it's your butt"...............................................................................................-100
Any other response..........................................................................................................................-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression......................................................................................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes...........................................................................................................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience..................................................................+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "Well, what do you think I should do".................................................................................................................................................-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.......................................................+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep...........................................................................-200
***********************************************
A Translation Manual

It's your decision = "The correct decision should be obvious by now”.
Do what you want = "You'll pay for this later."
We need to talk = "I need to complain."
We need = "I want"
I'm not upset = "Of course I'm upset, you moron!"
You're so manly = "You need a shave and you sweat a lot”.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = "I want a new house."
Hang the picture there = "NO, I mean hang it there!"
I heard a noise = "I noticed you were almost asleep."
Do you love me? = "I'm going to ask for something expensive”.
How much do you love me? = "I did something today you're really not going to like."
I'll be ready in a minute = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV”.
What's wrong? Nothing = "Everything”.
************************************************
The following ad in "The Atlanta Journal" is reported to have attracted numerous calls....

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work; wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call and ask for "Daisy”.

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Labrador retriever...

With acknowledgement to The Freeman Institue.

[beck15]

haha, that was a laugh TAB!!

[Wookiee]

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

[Wookiee]

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids when you thought about it.

- Kent Hovind

[Wookiee]

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

[Wookiee]

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

[Wookiee]

A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.

[Wookiee]

Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by bus; they plan to call it mass transit!

[Wookiee]

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.

[Wookiee]

Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.

- Anonymous (presumed dead)

[Wookiee]

I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.

[Wookiee]

An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

[Wookiee]

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."

- Mark Twain

[Wookiee]

Never judge a book by its movie.