Got [Funny] Chess Quotes?

[Wookiee]

"Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed."

- Winston Churchill

[Wookiee]

The Dog and the Oyster

A dog, used to eating eggs, saw an Oyster and, opening his mouth to its widest extent, swallowed it down with the utmost relish, supposing it to be an egg. Soon afterwards suffering great pain in his stomach, he said, "I deserve all this torment, for my folly in thinking that everything round must be an egg."

They who act without sufficient thought, will often fall into unsuspected danger.

[Wookiee]

"...whenever you have to make a rook move and both rooks are available for said move - you should evaluate which rook to move and, once you have made up your mind... MOVE THE OTHER ONE!!!"

- Oscar Panno

[Wookiee]

Moments when you should sense DANGER in chess:

1. There has been a change in the pawn structure. Your opponent has 8 and you don't have any.
2. Your opponent begins to throw pawns at your eyes.
3. You have a postion won but your opponent has a gun.
4. The Director tells you not to bother turning in your scoresheet after the game.
5. Before game begins you notice your opponents 1st initials are 'GM'.
6. After completing your development you sense your opponent playing the endgame.
7. Just as you make your opening move your opponent announces mate in 11.
8. You don't control any squares at all.
9. Your draw offer sends all the people watching your game into uncontrollable laughter.
10. Your opponent has 3 bishops.

[Wookiee]

"It has been said -- and is probably not true -- that every great man has been a chess player. But was there ever a chess player who was also a great man? Of course not and never will be. It is impossible. Great skill at chess is not a mark of greatness of intellect but of a great intellect gone wrong."

- NEW YORK MORNING TELEGRAPH

[Wookiee]

The Story of how Chess was Invented
by Omar Syed

Have you ever wondered who invented chess?

When I was about 12 years old my uncle once told me a story about how Chess was invented.

Hundreds and hundreds of years ago there was a King in India who loved to play games. But he had gotten bored of the games that were present at the time and wanted a new game that was much more challenging. He commissioned a poor mathematician who lived in his kingdom to come up with a new game. After months of struggling with all kinds of ideas the mathematician came up with the game of Chaturanga. The game had two armies each lead by a King who commanded the army to defeat the other by capturing the enemy King. It was played on a simple 8x8 square board. The King loved this game so much that he offered to give the poor mathematician anything he wished for. "I would like one grain of rice for the first square of the board, two grains for the second, four grains for the third and so on doubled for each of the 64 squares of the game board" said the matamatician. "Is that all?" asked the King, "Why don't you ask for gold or silver coins instead of rice grains". "The rice should be sufficient for me." replied the mathematician. The King ordered his staff to lay down the grains of rice and soon learned that all the wealth in his kingdom would not be enough to buy the amount of rice needed on the 64th square. In fact the whole kingdoms supply of rice was exhausted before the 40th square was reached. "You have provided me with such a great game and yet I cannot fulfill your simple wish. You are indeed a genius." said the King and offered to make the mathematician his top most advisor instead.

After hearing that story I was obsessed with wanting to know exactly how many grains of rice would be needed on the 64th square and how much total rice would be needed for all 64 squares. Personal computers were not available then and so I set out to find the answer using my dads' TI calculator. I think the calculator had about ten digits on it and soon that filled up. But I really wanted to know the answer, so I kept going and did the calculations by hand. After spending a good part of a Sunday morning doing arithmetic I finally had the answers:

9,223,372,036,854,775,808 on the 64th square and
18,446,744,073,709,551,615 total for the whole board

That's about 18 billion billion. So if a bag of rice contained a billion grains, you would need 18 billion such bags. Am I starting to sound like Carl Sagan yet? :-)

This story about the King is most likely not true. But it is true that there was an ancient Indian game called Chaturanga and it is beleived that modern Chess is a variant that evolved from it. However some scholars argue that China is the true birthplace of Chess. So we may never know the real answer.

[Wookiee]

[in a drinking game]

Gimli: It's the Dwarves that go swimming with little, hairy women. [he burps]
Legolas: I feel something. A slight tingle in my fingers. I think it's affecting me.
Gimli: What did I say? He can't hold his liquor. [Gimli passes out]
Legolas: [to Eomer who is watching] Game over.

[Wookiee]

Arthur: Merlin, will I ever have a son?
Merlin: Yes.
Arthur: No riddles? Nothing but a simple "yes"? That frightens me.
Merlin: But a King should be afraid, Arthur, always... of the enemy. Waiting, everywhere. In the corridors of his castle, on the deer-paths of his forests, or in a more tangled forest... in here.
[taps his head with his finger]

from "Excalibur"

[Wookiee]

"Life is not always like chess. Just because you have the king surrounded, don't think he is not capable of hurting you."

- Ron Livingston

[Wookiee]

"Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out til too late that he's been playing with two queens all along."

- Terry Pratchett

[Wookiee]

"If I'm home with no chore at hand, and a package of books has come, the television set and the chess board and the unanswered mail will have to manage without me if one of the books is a detective story."

- Rex Stout

[Wookiee]

"There is nothing that disgusts a man like getting beaten at chess by a woman."

- Charles Dudley Warner

[Wookiee]

"All life's answers are on TV."

- Bart Simpson

[Wookiee]

Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:

[Wookiee]

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.